Right now it is close to midnight here and I know I should be trying to sleep but I just cannot. Although I am utterly exhausted from my university week (I know it is still Thursday, but tomorrow I only have one lecture, a funny one, so Friday does already count as weekend) and choir classes today, I keep pondering about my teacher… I am so stupid! I know that what I want is impossible and I get all worked up after his lesson, always balancing on a very thin line of giddy happiness and unhappy frustration.
I guess, I am not really in love. I am sure I am not. If anything, I have a crush on a person I believe him to be, but this does not help me. And in the moments, when I realise how I am only hurting myself emotionally with this crush I am not unhappy because I cannot get him, but because I cannot get anyone… Then there is all the sadness and loneliness closing in on me, which I usually surpress. Ain’t this a strange world? Sometimes I see a couple and I cannot understand what’s so interesting at her / him? And I don’t find the answer. Of course, I don’t. Then again, I would like to know, what I am doing wrong? I know I am fairly pretty or at least I can be with a little bit of smiling. I am intelligent and mature and can be funny. And still I am single.
Indeed, with all the work for university, I am sure I would not have enough time for a boyfriend. Just last Thursday I got a fever in university because I had badly overdone it. Too much work, not enough sleep and hardly any freetime. I was mentally and physically exhausted and in combination with the rainy and cold weather it all resulted into a nice cold which made me stay in bed for almost 4 whole days. At times I still feel a little bit shaky and I am trying to keep better care of myself. This is a little bit hard to do with all the stuff I am supposed to manage for my classes. And now with the first choir concerts coming up and more rehearsals and voice training, I want to sit down and cry for a time out!
I do not understand how I can be this unhappy and miserable at times when I am living in such a nice flat now, with my financial problems all solved (I got the loan again!) and a lot of new good friends. My bunnies are healthy. My family at home is healthy. My brother even got engaged to this long time girlfriend.
I started writing poems again to somehow cope with my overflowing emotions. I attend a seminar about Native Canadian Poetry which at first was not very interesting to me. Generally I like poetry a lot. But I guess I am more used to poems by my beloved D. H. Lawrence, Wordsworth and the German poets Schiller and Eichendorff that it took me some time to get used to this whole new idea of poetry. My new favourite is Beth Brant. She was the author I had to present. I chose her without knowing anything about her and you could say it was mere luck, that I liked her in the end. The poems I read by her so far (4 to 5) have been very emotional and all had to do with what it means to be a writer or a woman / grandmother / mother. I can identify with her poems and that is why I plan to write my term paper about her. This Saturday, I. and me will drive to the huge library building at the other end of town to spend the day studying there. Right now, I am not really looking forward to that, but I do know that this is necessary. I only hope that I may (not) meet my teacher there. I heard that he practically lives in the great library since our special library for history was closed. I really admire him…