So, I guess I am obsessed. Never, in all the time I have had crushs, have I dreamt of the same guy more than twice or maybe thrice. Usually I dream a lot, rubbish mostly and I hardly rememer anything the next day because it was not important. I hardly ever dream of some guy I like, even if I want to. Now, it’s the third week and I have had more than 5 or 6 dreams of my teacher. All of them very weird and chaotic… my, my…
Although I am currently experiencing a strong phase of “loneliness” which can not be cured by hanging out with friends, family or my bunnies, I try to focus more on myself. You know, also to take better care of myself. Well, looking at the clock, I should be asleep right now. I definitely need my proper 8 hours of sleep these days… Anyway, I am digressing. What I wanted to get at, was, that I am trying to relax and be conscious of it. By applying a facial mask, by cooking for myself (during the week I have no time for this), by staying late in bed while listening to my latest CD (Rio by Till Brönner, he’s such a charmer, that guy!). My idea behind this is that I may feel better when I notice that I am not always stressed out.
Well, right now, it is not really working. I still have my presentation to do until Wednesday, a thesis paper to write until Tuesday and sooo much to read! Arrgh, how am I supposed to allow myself some time to relax when I am short on time to do my stuff afterwards? Okay, breathe… I have to think more positive! I did not meet my teacher at the library. I guess even he does not work on weekends. It is not long until I will see him again but I hope I will be able to read the assigned texts until then so I can answer his questions. Until now, this has been my only idea to get his attention although I have to admit that I thought about wearing a skirt, too. But in this windy weather and me being dependent on my bicycle… no way.
I phone my mum about 2 or 3 times a week to have a chat. Recently, I told her that I was a little bit down because I really wanted a boyfriend.
Mum: Your time will come. Don’t worry, honey. Even your brother got someone.
Me: Yeah right. But you know what he said to me? In his opinion I sould have a boyfriend who is not more than either three years younger or three years older than me. As if I would like someone younger! Even the guys my age are still immature!
Mum: So, why don’t you get yourself one of your teachers?
She really said that. And I had not told her anything about my crush. I had hinted it very slightly. I know my mum usually as someone rather conservative. More than once she said that she does not like the idea of big age differences between couples. Well, do 11 years countas that? I think in her eyes, they do. Still, she said that! I wonder if she is suspecting me of liking a teacher already or if she is just plain oblivious about it…
What is almost worse than my own doubts about my feelings is the need to talk about it. Just to tell someone. Okay, I wrote in an older entry that I am not good at keeping such things secret but you know how annoying it is to tell someone about your feelings and they just look at you and roll their eyes? Like: Oh no, not that again. This is not helping a bit! And it hurts. My flatmate I. sometimes makes small jokes about it. This mocking makes it easier for me to not be too serious about it. So this is okay but such advice like “One day, you’ll surely meet the right guy” is implying that “He is not the One. Stop dreaming!”
Today I got an e-mail from a very good friend who moved out of my dormitory last month. Since then we did not have a lot of contact except me visiting her twice. She asked me whether she could come over for tea some time and when I was free. She does not know about it yet and I am somewhat anxious to tell her. I guess she will be critical. I will tell her anyway because her reaction should not have an influence on me and she is a good friend.