A time to look forward and say thanks

Looking back on the year 2010, I have to say it was a very emotional and partly tragic year. My grandma (may she rest in eternal peace) died in February, also 3 dogs belonging to my family or close friends (we’ll miss you Jerry, Timmy and Bessie). I suffered from depression and all this although it was the magical year 2010! Maybe you know the song “2010” by the band Echt? The band does not exist anymore, which I thing is a shame, so the song is rather old, too. 9 to 8 years, I think. I listened to it, when I was a young girl and I thought: “Right, 2010 will be a great year. I will be 21 years old, too!”

21 is my lucky number, that is why I always wanted to be 21. Now I have to say that being 22 feels much better than 21 ;). Last spring I would never have imagined that I could be this “happy” again, just satisfied with most things. Although I am still sometimes pretty down, it is not nearly as bad as it was back in those ironically sunny days. I think that I learnt a lot in this time and so the time was not wasted. I made some pretty strange experiences and met lots of great and fascinating people. I got out of that horrible flat and away from some persons whose influence on me was anything but positive. I’d say, the year started bad and became better and better. I even had a quite nice Christmas with my family (which I would not have believed possible after the desaster the year before…). I learnt who to prepare a traditional Christmas goose (yummy!) and we did not argue at all! It was really good. The only thing which I regret a little bit is that I did not get any of the work done I had planned to do. I have not even started working on my paper about Beth Brant. Maybe that was because Indians and Christmas do not share many (if any) associations in my head.

I used to make difficult resolutions each year. Usually 3 and they were always so hard to do that I was lucky if I could make one true. They were not things like “stop smoking” or anything like that. I wanted to “read 50 books” which is only possible if you manage circa one book per week. Another resolution was “get a boyfriend”. Well, do I need to say that I never managed to check this point?

So, thinking of my former non-existent success with New Year’s resolutions I first did not want to make any. But than again, I love resolutions. It is tradition! So why break with it when I can improve them? Here are my resolutions for the year 2011:

1. Take good care of myself (and my bunnies). It sounds easy, but it is not. At least not always. I do not want to live healthier or any greener. I want to learn to accept myself the way I am and learn to love myself. I want to feel the work of cooking worthwhile (to enjoy the food, the taste, the smell and to keep myself in shape, i.e. not to lose any more weight). A little bit more self-confidence would be nice and I really have to keep an eye on myself not to be too critical about the things I do. Everything in good measure and step by step.

2. I want to further explore my family tree and keep in contact with the distant relatives I like. It gives me a peaceful feeling to know where I come from. I just recently found out that I have Jewish ancestors (very distant though…). Ain’t this great?! I mean, my first name is Hebrew and although my family raised me atheist I was always somehow drawn to Jewish culure. I have to admit, however, that I love pork way to much to ever convert, not to forget that I just cannot believe in the existence of any kind of monotheistic god.

3. I want to stay at university and continue my studies of history. This summer I was so confused and insecure about my life and the direction it should get that I was at a point where I just wanted to throw all my studies into the next bin and start something completely else and more “secure”. When this was not possible (because it was too late to apply for the kind apprenticeship I had in mind), I decided not to rush things and to use this semester to see whether I still liked history enough to go on. I am unbelievably glad that I do! If possible I am even more enthusiastic about my studies than before and I definitely want work in this area.

Last but not least I want to say thanks to some people who had a positive influence on me:

Thank you Joe for being such a great Beatnic (just like me :D) and for encouraging me to sing again; thanks Sanja, Julia and HeRan for convincing me that I am as much loveable as anyone else; thank you Inken for making me feel so at home; thank you Ms. K. for all the help and last but not least thank you Immo for lending the spark for igniting my enthusiasm for my studies again! Where would I be without you?! Since you won’t read this, I will think of something to show my appreciation. 🙂

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