A sudden realisation: I am serious about it

Yesterday I met my friend L. again. We went to the same restaurant as last week and talked and talked and talked for hours. I felt very good and somewhat relieved after I had realised something very important to me. It was really rather strange. I thoroughly realised it while I said it the second time.

Okay, I’ll try to tell you the whole story. It actually began on Thursday after Choir. On my home I was accompanied by a friend, S. . We study both history.

S.: I was astonished that you changed your status (on a social network website). Did you meet someone new?

Me: No.

S.: So it is still about him? You know who?!

Me: Well, yes. It really took me some thinking before I changed it [my status from “single” to “in love”]. I did not do that because I was just in the mood. I am serious about it.

This sentence “I am serious about it.” astonished me at the time but I really realised its full meaning while retelling the story to L. yesterday in the restaurant. “Being serious about it” does mean “I am serious about him.”, doesn’t it? It does not only mean that I don’t like someone to joke about it or to mock me about it. It does not only mean that I admire him and fantasise about him. It does mean that I do not only smile at him to feel my heart beat quicken. It does indeed mean that I do not want to play with his feelings. Flirting is always like playing, too. It is supposed to be fun. Some flirt because they want fun, some flirt because they are serious. There is a difference.

I can say that I never just flirted for fun. Indeed, flirting felt like working to me. I wanted to persuade someone to think I’m witty, I’m nice and caring, I might deserve to be loved, too. I was always afraid that I might not succeed and indeed, I never succeeded so far as to get a male heart for mine in return. My problem apart from never really revceiving what I wanted was that I was horribly afraid to receive it. I was panic-stricken the moment I thought it might be possible to happen (i. e. to be liked in return). And this fright was always bigger than my interest for the person. It was like an invisible wall I could not walk around, a red line on the floor I just could not cross, a doorway I could not possibly pass.

I still feel like there is this line but somehow it consist of thousands of little lines all arranged in a long line and when I do not look too closely it seems it is all but one. But indeed, there is a possibility to step in between two of these little lines and take a look nat the other side. I will still feel afraid, I will still be more excited than neccessary, but I might gain some beautiful new experiences if I just hold on.

I can hardly say what this man does to me. Last Wednesday made me feel so happy. I might imagine it but I think I felt some kind of connection, something in the air like the first gear got into motion and step by step the whole machinery would start to move. Like a first spark. I do think there was a spark, I think we were flirting without words just using our eyes and a smile now and then. Nothing too obvious. Rather subtle.

And because it was so subtle I will have to check again on this spark next Wednesday to see if I just imagined it or if it is still there or if it got company maybe by a second spark or a firefly. What I can be sure about is that he noticed me (something which I cannot take for granted, I used to be/feel invisible in grammar school) and that he knows I am intelligent. I can see that from the way he picks me first when I have an answer to one of his questions in the seminar although there might be others who are raising there hands, too, others indeed who raised their hands before me. I can read it in his face then that he just knows I will say the right thing and I am happy not to let him down.

This way we seem to begin to connect in lessons will of course not lead anyway, at least not neccessarily. Especially since next Wednesday will be the last session for this semester. My next chance to see him would, in the earliest case, be in April, except for me running into him in the library which is not very probable. And a library is not the best place to start talking, is it? But I do want to talk to him (in the near future). I will. I do not just admire him from afar. Not this time.

My friend L. told me that since she met me (which was around July, I think) I changed. She says I radiate a lot of joie de vivre which is almost contagious. That I seem a lot happier than in July and that I smile more often. This really gives me hope. Thank you L. for your feedback!

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