Memories of my grandma

Today when I talked on the phone to my mum she told me that she had had a nightmare. I know my mum as a tough independent woman and I know that she usually never remembers her dreams. In fact, she is generally astonished that I can tell most of my dreams even days afterwards. So, I was really curious what this dream had been about.

It was about my grandma. She was alive again (she died last February, may she rest in peace), still lived in her own flat but was as ill as in her last months. My granny suffered from dementia, which is a very cruel illness which affects your memory. Gradually my grandma forgot all about her children and family (names, birthdays, even their faces), places (like her way home) and about such essential things as how to put on clothes and how to talk. It was very sad and I wish that someday they will find a remedy for it.

When grandma died we knew it was better that way for her, she did not have to suffer anymore and although it sounds hard, we did not have to suffer anymore, too. It is a very demanding and mentally exhausting job to care for someone whose whole personality is falling into pieces.

In her dream my mum was going through all the miserable feelings again. I really felt for my mum at this moment she told me about it. Because, I do not know how I did it, but when I think of my grandma, I do not associate her directly with the frail and confused women she had become but with the grandma I stayed at during summer vacations, who was the best cook of the family (apart from my dad, of course) and who used to wear her apron all day long. My mum should not be haunted by those other images.

I have a lot of great memories of my granny and this is what I would like to share with you today. My memories. When I was in elementary school I sometimes envied some of my friends for their grandmothers. One was still very young and had a beautiful haircut instead of the typical helmet of permed hair. Another had a house in a village across our lake and would do lots of camping and stuff. Yet another would present her grandchildren with sweets and their favourite dishes when they visited her. My granny did nothing of the sort. She was much older (she was 60 when I was born) and believed in some strange things she had been told as a child.

For example she never went farther into our lake than to the water reaching up to her knees because as a child a doctor had forbidden her to do so. When she took us to the lake in the summer and I went swimming with open hair she got angry and said I looked like a gypsy and that would not do. And (what really annoyed me) she was of the strong belief that it was improper to wear a bra before you were 16 or 17 years old. Okay, this might have been the case in the 40s, but it was surely not so in the 1990s.

So, she could be a little bit weird and strict sometimes but my granny was all in all a very warm and loving person. She was not skinny but nicely soft and round. She always was nicely dressed, was very popular among her old lady friends and loved dancing more than anything else. At Christmas she used to sing with us, when mum did not (because she was talking to Santa Claus whether we had been good or not when in fact she was placing the presents ;). She played dice, card and board games with us and there was always some kind of selfmade cake or bought cookies in her kitchen.

She loved doing crosswords and reading dime novels. She smelled of ladylike perfume (nothing like the modern perfumes, really). Her bed – oh her bed! – was fantastic! We called it the Sleeping Beauty Bed. It was old and made of dark polished wood and she had 2 or 3 matresses and lots of pillows and a duvet that was just like a huge pillow itself filled with down. When I lay in that bed I was invisible, the duvet bulging and warm, everything around me was soft and smelled of my grandma.

She had a chest of drawers, on which stood a huge mirror and in front of that were a thousand little trinket boxes filled to the brim with rings, necklaces and (false) pearls. And everywhere were plants. My granny had a green thumb and however miserable the plant looked when my mum brought it over (my mum once had a phase in which she nearly killed all out potted plants, she was already known for her “not-green” thumb) granny got it growing again. She taught me how to knit (along with my mum) and how to crochet and encouraged me to sew and stitch. Every semester when we children got our school reports it was a tradition to show them to her and she would tell us how proud she was. We did not get any money, no, just to hear her praise was enough.

During summer vacations I always begged to be allowed to stay one or two weeks at my grandma’s place. She only lived two streets away from us and I saw her almost daily but staying there was something special. Together with a cousin and sometimes (even my brother) granny would take long walks with us along the lakeside, we would collect elderberries (later she would cook a desert from them) and she would show us all the good places where to find them. She would take us to feed the swans and ducks and in the evening my cousin and I would sit in her armchair (we were both so small that we could share it), watch a soap opera and eat chocolate blancmange with whipped cream on top.

My grandma was a great woman and I never really quite understood what she had went through. She raised 6 children on her own after she divorced my alcoholic grandfather (whom I never met, he died a year before my birth but the only positive things I ever heard about him is that he was intelligent and handsome) and she worked as a cook in a kindergarten and later as a cleaner in our museum to feed them all. She had 12 grandchildren and was a loving grandmother to them all, although my brother and I had it best since we lived nearest. The was the matriarch of the family, the centerpiece which held it all together, the place where all the family gathered when we had something to celebrate.

From time to time I realise how much of her lives on in me. In a lot of ways I share her hobbies like baking and crocheting and doing crosswords. Because of her I got to know our museum from a very early age on, the people there know me since I could sit in a pushchair and maybe my love for history already began at that time… I really do have a lot of very fond memories of her and I am very thankful indeed that they are much more numerous than the later ones. I can only hope that one day I can be such a loving grandma, too, and that I will go my way through life with the same strength to overcome obstacles as she did.

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I take up the challenge!

Hey there, a few days ago I wrote about my New Year’s Resolutions. One I would like to add is the “PostAWeek”-Challenge they are doing around here. I thought this a pretty good idea and seeing that my posts did rather decrease in number in the last few months, I feel like a suitable candidate! 🙂

One thing I do sometimes dislike about myself this that I often start something but stop continuing long before I get even near the finish line. So this is a great opportunity for me. If I succeed, I guess I will be immensly satisfied with myself. This could be something I can be proud of. And I wanted to learn to love myself more, wasn’t I?

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A time to look forward and say thanks

Looking back on the year 2010, I have to say it was a very emotional and partly tragic year. My grandma (may she rest in eternal peace) died in February, also 3 dogs belonging to my family or close friends (we’ll miss you Jerry, Timmy and Bessie). I suffered from depression and all this although it was the magical year 2010! Maybe you know the song “2010” by the band Echt? The band does not exist anymore, which I thing is a shame, so the song is rather old, too. 9 to 8 years, I think. I listened to it, when I was a young girl and I thought: “Right, 2010 will be a great year. I will be 21 years old, too!”

21 is my lucky number, that is why I always wanted to be 21. Now I have to say that being 22 feels much better than 21 ;). Last spring I would never have imagined that I could be this “happy” again, just satisfied with most things. Although I am still sometimes pretty down, it is not nearly as bad as it was back in those ironically sunny days. I think that I learnt a lot in this time and so the time was not wasted. I made some pretty strange experiences and met lots of great and fascinating people. I got out of that horrible flat and away from some persons whose influence on me was anything but positive. I’d say, the year started bad and became better and better. I even had a quite nice Christmas with my family (which I would not have believed possible after the desaster the year before…). I learnt who to prepare a traditional Christmas goose (yummy!) and we did not argue at all! It was really good. The only thing which I regret a little bit is that I did not get any of the work done I had planned to do. I have not even started working on my paper about Beth Brant. Maybe that was because Indians and Christmas do not share many (if any) associations in my head.

I used to make difficult resolutions each year. Usually 3 and they were always so hard to do that I was lucky if I could make one true. They were not things like “stop smoking” or anything like that. I wanted to “read 50 books” which is only possible if you manage circa one book per week. Another resolution was “get a boyfriend”. Well, do I need to say that I never managed to check this point?

So, thinking of my former non-existent success with New Year’s resolutions I first did not want to make any. But than again, I love resolutions. It is tradition! So why break with it when I can improve them? Here are my resolutions for the year 2011:

1. Take good care of myself (and my bunnies). It sounds easy, but it is not. At least not always. I do not want to live healthier or any greener. I want to learn to accept myself the way I am and learn to love myself. I want to feel the work of cooking worthwhile (to enjoy the food, the taste, the smell and to keep myself in shape, i.e. not to lose any more weight). A little bit more self-confidence would be nice and I really have to keep an eye on myself not to be too critical about the things I do. Everything in good measure and step by step.

2. I want to further explore my family tree and keep in contact with the distant relatives I like. It gives me a peaceful feeling to know where I come from. I just recently found out that I have Jewish ancestors (very distant though…). Ain’t this great?! I mean, my first name is Hebrew and although my family raised me atheist I was always somehow drawn to Jewish culure. I have to admit, however, that I love pork way to much to ever convert, not to forget that I just cannot believe in the existence of any kind of monotheistic god.

3. I want to stay at university and continue my studies of history. This summer I was so confused and insecure about my life and the direction it should get that I was at a point where I just wanted to throw all my studies into the next bin and start something completely else and more “secure”. When this was not possible (because it was too late to apply for the kind apprenticeship I had in mind), I decided not to rush things and to use this semester to see whether I still liked history enough to go on. I am unbelievably glad that I do! If possible I am even more enthusiastic about my studies than before and I definitely want work in this area.

Last but not least I want to say thanks to some people who had a positive influence on me:

Thank you Joe for being such a great Beatnic (just like me :D) and for encouraging me to sing again; thanks Sanja, Julia and HeRan for convincing me that I am as much loveable as anyone else; thank you Inken for making me feel so at home; thank you Ms. K. for all the help and last but not least thank you Immo for lending the spark for igniting my enthusiasm for my studies again! Where would I be without you?! Since you won’t read this, I will think of something to show my appreciation. 🙂

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Christmas time – meme time

I spend the last hour or so filling out this Christmas meme. Take a look if you like:

Favorite Christmas…
01. Non-Jesus-related song? “All I want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey
02. Jesus-related song? “Lulajze Jezuniu” – a traditional Polish Christmas Song we sang on our choir concerts
03. Santa-related song? “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” by Jackson 5
04. Fictional character? Frau Holle from Grimm’s fairytales
05. Dinner’s main course? Goose
06. Dinner’s dessert? Actually we never have dessert afterwards, there’s just no room left 😉
07. Scent (pine, gingerbread, candles…)? Oranges and Spekulatius
08. Animated movie? A Christmas Carol but also The Polarexpress.
09. Non-animated movie? Three Nuts for Cinderella. It’s a great Czech fairytale movie!
10. Personal memory? My dad presenting me with a self-built dollhouse.
11. Story/Fairy Tale? Frau Holle and A Christmas Carol by Dickens. Also The Last Unicorn, it’s usually on TV around Christmas.

This or That
12. Candy cane or peppermint patties? Peppermint patties!
13. Sugar or gingerbread cookies? I am not a great fan of gingerbread, I prefer self-made Christmas cookies.
14. Tinsel or beaded strands? Tinsel!
15. Multi-colored or same-colored lights? Of course same-coloured.
16. Flashing or still lights? Still. Looks more like candles than.
17. Wreaths or mistletoe/holly? Actually none of both.
18. Rudolph or Frosty? Rudolph!
19. Sledding or snowball fights? Uhm, well. I am a little too old for that and my nephew is still too young. Ask me in 2 or 3 years again.
20. Snow or ice/icicles? Snow
21. Snow hat or earmuffs? A self-knitted red hat.
22. Getting or giving? Uhm, can I say both?
23. Snow days or plow trucks? A reasonable amount of snow without the ensuing traffic chaos please.
24. Stockings or presents? Always been presents although I thought about knitting stockings for my rabbits. 😀
25. Cookies & milk or letter to Santa? Neither.
26. Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas Eve! I never had to wait for Christmas Day, yeah!
27. Log Burning Channel or real thing? Nothing of the sort.
28. Cards or emails? Christmas Cards!
29. Shoveling or cleaning off the car? Again neither. I have a brother for that.
30. The Inn’s manger or the animals? Animals? Why, we have no crib, because my family is not religious.
31. Mary & Joseph or The Wise Men? Uhm, Mary & Joseph.
32. Hot cocoa or eggnog? That’s unfair. My stomach can’t cope with hot cocoa and I don’t drink any alcohol. I choose tea.
33. Jack Frost or Little Drummer Boy? Drummer boy, since Jack Frost is not really known hereabouts.

Yay or.. Ugh
34. Holiday shopping? Since I start early enough, yay.
35. Icy roads? I am a pedestrian, but it annoys me anyway. So ugh.
36. Limited driving visibility? Meaning traffic chaos, ugh.
37. Christmas carolers. We have no real carollers, but as someone from a choir I say yay!
38. Mall Santas? Ugh.
39. Salvation Army Santas? Ugh.
40. Blizzards? Ugh ugh.
41. 24/7 Holiday radio? Yay!
42. Freezing cold? Definite ugh.
43. Setting up the tree? Yay.
44. Wrapping presents? Yay.45. Visiting/seeing family? Yay.
46. Ad-Lib on “Rudolph…”? Yay.
47. Free mint red/white candy? If it’s for free, yay!
48. Belief in Santa Claus? Yay.
49. Chocolate countdown calendar? Yummy yay!
50. Peeking at your gifts (or by accident)? No! That’s unfair, ugh.
51. Making out with Santa under the mistletoe? A handsome young Santa, yay.
52. Decorated houses? Yay.
53. Extreme decorated houses? Ugh.
54. White Christmas morning? Yay.
55. Searching for ornaments in the attic? Yay.
56. Santa knowing when you’re sleeping and awake? Yay.

Name That Tune
57. “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling.” Sleigh ride, that is easy.

58. “Good tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year.” We wish you a merry Christmas!
59. “The lights are turned way down low…”  ???
60. “In the meadow we can build a snowman.” No idea…
61. “Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!” Jingle-Bells!
62. “Remember, Christ, our Savior was born on Christmas Day.” Nope.
63. “Not only green when summer’s here, but also when ’tis cold and drear.” Ahem.
64. “And Heaven, and Heaven and nature sing.” Joy to the World, maybe?
65. “Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la.” Deck the Halls!
66. “Down through the chimney with lots of toys…” I am at a loss…

I am not very good at English Christmas songs, can someone tell me why?!

First Thought That Comes To Mind When You Hear…
67. Snowflake! Cold.68. Pinecones! Forrest?
69. Elves! That elf from Ella Enchanted who did not like singing but wanted to become a lawyer.
70. Sleigh! Russian fairytale films!
71. Presents! Ribbons!
72. Cookies! Yummy, hopefully with chocolate!
73. Misletoe! Kissing!
74. Rudolph! Red nose.
75. Blizzard! Very, very cold.
76. School’s Canceled! No such luck at university…
77. Ice Skating! Falling on your bud.
78. Santa’s Lap! Don’t wanna sit there.
79. Black Friday! Is not celebrated here.
80. God’s Son! Jesus.
81. Melting Snow! Not good for my shoes.
82. Lumps of Coal! Warm fire.
83. Nutcracker! Tschaikowsky
84. Ho Ho Ho! Father Christmas

85. North Pole! Sugar Canes.

What’s a Winter Activity YOU Do…
86. …In the snow by yourself? Make a snow angel.
87. …Inside by yourself? Wrapping gifts.
88. …In a public place (with/alone)? Visit Christmas markets, especially German ones!
89. …With friends/family in the snow at home? Nothing. It’s freezing!
90. …With friends/family inside at home?  Watch fairytale films!

Grade/Rate Holiday Movies A – F
91. A Christmas Story. Haven’t watched that one.
92. How The Grinch Stole Christmas? B.
93. The Santa Clause? C.
94. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer? Sweet B.
95. Frosty The Snowman? Haven’t watched.
96. Home Alone. C.
97. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Haven’t watched.
98. Elf. Haven’t. watched.
99. Miracle on 34th Street. A!
100. A Charlie Brown Christmas. Haven’t watched.

The ____ Present You’ve Received?
101. Most expensive? A laptop.
102. Ugliest? A dark green pullover from my granny with an owl on it that made a strange sound when you touched it.
103. Worthless? Nevergot something like this.
104. Most-wanted (personally)? Harry Potter book 4, 5 and/or 6. They were published here around Christmas.
105. Most-wanted/popular (media frenzy)? Harry Potter books!
106. Unwanted? Old fashioned underwear bought by my granny.
107. Never-used? Look at the last one.
108. Exchanged for something else? I only exchange sweets with my brother.
109. Biggest (size)? The dollhouse my dad built.
110. Most meaningful? The dollhouse.

Christmas At My House…(one or the other)
111. Tree is fake/real? Always fake.
112. Tree is under/above 4′? Above.
113. Open presents Christmas Eve/Day? Christmas Eve.
114. House/entire yard is decorated? Not entirely.
115. Amount of presents under the tree? Decreasing.
116. Snowman is a male/female? Male.
117. Go for Santa/Jesus? Neither.
118. Homemade/delivered/takeout Christmas dinner? Homemade.
119. Bedtime is before/after midnight?  After midnight.
120. Wake-up is before/after 7am? Never. Maybe at 9 am.
121. Go/don’t go to church on Christmas? Don’t.
122. Pray & sing Happy Birthday/do nothing before bed? Nothing.
123. Do shopping before/after Thanksgiving? I start shopping after my birthday in late October.
124. Low-key/over the top decorations (inside and out)? Somewhere in between.

Have You Ever?
125. Built a snowman? More than once.
126. Heard Santa’s sleigh? No.
127. Seen Santa & Rudolph in the sky? No.
128. Sat on Santa’s lap? No, never.
129. Shoveled the driveway/sidewalk? No.
130. Made snow angels? Definitely!
131. Built a fort/igloo? Yes!
132. Wrote a Christmas list? Yes.
133. Wrote a letter to Santa? Yes, think so.
134. Left cookies/milk for Santa & reindeer? Nope.
135. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? No.
136. Went caroling? No.
137. Got hurt during the winter season? Slipped hundreds of times.
138. Gone ice skating/sledding? Sledding.
139. Kissed under a mistletoe? No, but I want to!
140. Experienced/saw a miracle happen? No.
141. Get everything you wanted for Christmas? Yes.
142. Cooked/baked? Always.

Complete The Line
143. “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, lean your ___ this way.” Maybe head?
144. “And children listen to hear ___ bells in the snow.” sleigh
145. “And on every street ___ you’ll hear silver bells.” …
146. “O night divine, O night when Christ was ___.” born
147. “All I want for Christmas is my ___ front teeth.” Lost?
148. “It’s beginning to ___ a lot like Christmas.” Look?
149. “Round yon virgin ___ and child.” mother
150. “Sing praises to our Heavenly ____.” Saviour?

Christmas 101
151. Colour of Rudolph’s nose? Bright red, I’d say.
152. Jesus’ Virgin Mother? Mary.
153. What made Frosty come to life? His hat.
154. Two main colors of Christmas? Red and gold.
155. Does Mrs. Claus have a first name? Good question, has she indeed?
156. Where does Santa live? At Himmelspfort.
157. True love gave what on the second day of Christmas? 2 turtle doves.
158. What kind of nuts are roasting on an open fire? Chestnuts.

Make Up Your Own Christmas Tale
159. Once upon a time, there was a: cute little white bunny named Bingley
160. Who couldn’t stop: eating carrots and munching hay
161. After a while, he fell asleep next to a: another even smaller bunny named Small Rabbit
162. When they woke, there was: a lot of playing and frolicking.
163. Thanks to them, Christmas: could be celebrated together.

How Does He Do It?
162. Get down the chimney? Gravitation baby!
163. Deliver presents all over the world? With his super-sleigh.
164. Get so fat and still act so jolly? Does being fat mean he has to be unhappy? Nah…
165. Recruit reindeer for sleigh-pulling lessons? Goes to Finnland and asks friendly.
166. Provide compensation for elves making toys? Chocolate? I’d do it for chocolate.
167. Stay unseen from the rest of the world? I don’t know about you but I’ve seen him.

Would It Still Be Christmas Without…
168. Candy canes? Yes.
169. Snow? Yes.
170. Stores opening at 5am? Yes.
171. Winter vacation? No. With all the cooking and stuff to do?!
172. Visiting family & friends? No.
173. Fake Santas? Yes.
174. Christmas trees? No.
175. New holiday movies? Yes.
176. Getting holiday greeting cards/email? Yes.
177. Holiday tunes? Yes.

Share Your Stories in 1 Sentence
178. The best Christmas you’ve had. When I was still a girl and dad and granny were still around.
179. The most upsetting Christmas you’ve had? Last one.
180. One hilarious Christmas blooper? Telling someone by a slip of the tongue what they’ll get as a gift.

True Or False
181. You prefer to stay inside where it’s warm? So true!
182. You’ve given something (or $) to charity? False.
183. You spent more than what people spent on you? Probably true.
184. You like to take your time opening presents? False.
185. The thing you want most this year costs $100+? False.
186. You expect to get more than 10 presents this year? False.
187. You’re a Scrooge/Grinch? Very false.
188. Christmas = snow? False.
189. You know the lyrics to more than 25 Christmas songs? True.

Grab Bag
190. Three best things about Christmas? The soft light, the harmonic atmosphere and lots of chocolate!
191. Worst Christmas song? The one by Heidi Klum!
192. If you were a Christmas character, who would you be? The sugar fairy from the Nussknacker suite by Tschaikowsky.
193. What type of decoration should stop being made? Tinsel made of lead. It’s toxic.
194. Tastiest holiday treat? Uhm, chocolate? I’m a sweet tooth!
195. Favorite pop culture/stereotypical Christmas icon (noun)? Scrooge.
196. Know how to make cookies/brownies/cake from scratch? Definitely!
197. Ever cut your mouth on a candy cane/candy? Yes.
198. What other culture would you like to experience Christmas with? I’d like to experience a real Hanukkah.
199. What kind of pattern/pictures do you like on your wrapping paper? Something grown up, no fat Santas or snowmen. Stars, bells and snow flakes.
200. Will you make a Christmas picture for your blog/website/profile? Don’t think so.

Taken from http://chalkdust.mitchellkdwyer.net/

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Hard times

At the moment things are not going too well. At least concerning my health and my love life. I got through all the Christmas concerts with my choir, enjoyed them happily without catching a cold in the unheated churches. But now, a week later I catched one and it exactly hit me on the night before I had to talk about the Normans in the 11th century in the seminar of my favourite teacher! Right, that teacher!

I did not have to talk about it all alone. I had to partners, D. and O., both guys who are a little lazy but all and all friendly. Our presentation was due on Wednesday. We worked on it Sunday evening, Monday evening and even Tuesday until half past midnight! I was so exhausted. I had prepared the PowerPoint presentation and everything but had had no time to organise my own part. After the guys went home I was just too tired and planned to get up earlier the next morning to do that. Unfortunately I awoke only 2 hours later because of a very painful sore throat. Usually I am not a friend of painkillers, but after I had spent an hour trying to get back to sleep without any success, I took a paracetamol and could finally fall asleep again. Next thing I know is that I woke up at 9 o’clock a.m.. …

So I only grabbed some breakfast, my notes and my bag and hurried to the university. I still felt kind of ill, but I did not want to have wasted all the work I had put into this presentation. I used the next two hours in a rather boring seminar to get some structure into my notes. My head was already a little fuzzy. Then I walked to my next seminar where I was to meet my adored teacher. Let’s call him I.W..

The first thing that was wrong, was that someone sat on my place and it was neither D. or O.. It was some other student I hardly know. D. was sitting at the next table and waved me over. The special thing about my usual seat is that it is situated near the door. When some of the students are talking in front of the class, I.W. always takes a chair to sit near the door, the other side, but anyway, there would only be a mere 1,5 meter between us. Sometimes less! And now this student had not only taken this precious seat from me, we also thus obstructed my view! 😦

When it came to our presentation D. and me stood up. I had taken very good care of my outfit that day. I wanted to look stunning and I belive at least my lover half made a halfways good impression. I wore my new darkgrey high-heeled shoes and thight black skinny jeans. Anyway, my voice was horse, I wore a shawl, but it did not help too much. D. messed up the differend slides of the presentation (which was not my fault, when I say “back” I do not mean “next”). I suppose I spoke a little bit low and once or twice I had to make longer pauses because I got lost in my notes. I was soooo embarressed!

All the while I did not dare to look at I.W.. When I was finally through and D. took over I sat down and concentrated on putting on the correct slides. The few times I cast a look at him he was following the presentation or watching D.. From earlier sessions I knew that he would eventually talk to us at the end. D. could not finish, we ran out of time and while I was putting my things away, he really approached us.

So now here is what I don’t get: He stood in front of the guys, the table between us and him. I was standing apart somehow, because of the table… He talked only to them and he did not look at me. What the heck?! I have no clue what was wrong. I suppose it is possible that I just missed him looking because I felt ill and fuzzy and everything was so strange! I am not sure about it anymore… All the work and me going there although I was ill cannot have been for nothing! 😦 😦 😦

After that I went straight home, crawled into my bed and slept until the evening. I have been slightly down since then and while watching “Lost in Austen” I cried endlessly and had to use uncountable paper tissues until my eyes and nose were bright red and hurt. I was horribly angry with him at first, then with me and finally I am not angry anymore but decided to wait and see until next Wednesday. In the worst case, life still goes on…

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My heart is a-floating

So here is a little poem I wrote during a lecture while I could not really concentrate on the topic because I was distracted by other thoughts. Please enjoy and if you like you can leave a comment.

My heart is a-floating

There was a time

I was down.

I had tripped over my loneliness

And got lost in the darkest pit

of my own soul.

Tied to the ground

By tears and fears

All I could see

Was my miserable end.

I had lost my laughter,

My patience,

My enthusiasm.

There was a time,

– And thankfully so, there was –

I climbed out of my pit

Fuelled by anger and spite.

I saw the sky again

My soul slowly healed.

Like a child learning to walk,

Step by step,

I got my laughter back,

And my vigour,

And my patience.

But when this was done,

There was still something amiss.

There was a time,

I knew not what was missing,

And I lived from day to day,

Satisfied to be just living again.

To be breathing and eating

And learning and working again.

Yet, there had to be a time,

I should find out,

What I lacked.

And I remembered that

There was a time,

There was a spark in my eye,

A joyful ring in my voice,

A curiousness in my heart

And excitement in my guts.

Where was my enthusiasm gone?

Enthusiasm for love?

And for life?

Where and how were I to get it back?

I knew not where.

I knew not how.

And then,

There was a time

I met you.

Again, I have to say,

And indeed,

It took you a third time

For you to cast your spell on me

And with your mouth

You poured all the enthusiasm

I so needed

Back into me.

I was feeling better than I had done

In a very long time

But I was badly prepared

For your powers

And while I willingly drank in

All you had to give to me

I paid my tribute.

My heart was swept up

By the high tide,

Carried away on the sighing waves

Of the back-flow

And thus,

I lost it to you.

There was a time,

I knew my heart,

Now

I see it once or twice a week,

Languidly floating in your wake

And sometimes

I notice it winking at me

And I ask it

“Don’t you think, it’s been long enough?”

And it smiles dreamily

Cooing: “But just look at him.

Who would ever want to leave?”

I do admit I see its point.

Nevertheless, I wish

That you, my enchanter,

Would take the rest of me as well,

All body and soul,

Instead of leaving me

With my mere enthusiasm

Unable to tie me to someone else.

You chain me to your self again and again

Every time we meet

Before you leave the room

Without a word or backwards glance.                                     13. November 2010

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Why don’t you get yourself a teacher?

So, I guess I am obsessed. Never, in all the time I have had crushs, have I dreamt of the same guy more than twice or maybe thrice. Usually I dream a lot, rubbish mostly and I hardly rememer anything the next day because it was not important. I hardly ever dream of some guy I like, even if I want to. Now, it’s the third week and I have had more than 5 or 6 dreams of my teacher. All of them very weird and chaotic… my, my…

Although I am currently experiencing a strong phase of “loneliness” which can not be cured by hanging out with friends, family or my bunnies, I try to focus more on myself. You know, also to take better care of myself. Well, looking at the clock, I should be asleep right now. I definitely need my proper 8 hours of sleep these days… Anyway, I am digressing. What I wanted to get at, was, that I am trying to relax and be conscious of it. By applying a facial mask, by cooking for myself (during the week I have no time for this), by staying late in bed while listening to my latest CD (Rio by Till Brönner, he’s such a charmer, that guy!). My idea behind this is that I may feel better when I notice that I am not always stressed out.

Well, right now, it is not really working. I still have my presentation to do until Wednesday, a thesis paper to write until Tuesday and sooo much to read! Arrgh, how am I supposed to allow myself some time to relax when I am short on time to do my stuff afterwards? Okay, breathe… I have to think more positive! I did not meet my teacher at the library. I guess even he does not work on weekends. It is not long until I will see him again but I hope I will be able to read the assigned texts until then so I can answer his questions. Until now, this has been my only idea to get his attention although I have to admit that I thought about wearing a skirt, too. But in this windy weather and me being dependent on my bicycle… no way.

I phone my mum about 2 or 3 times a week to have a chat. Recently, I told her that I was a little bit down because I really wanted a boyfriend.

Mum: Your time will come. Don’t worry, honey. Even your brother got someone.

Me: Yeah right. But you know what he said to me? In his opinion I sould have a boyfriend who is not more than either three years younger or three years older than me. As if I would like someone younger! Even the guys my age are still immature!

Mum: So, why don’t you get yourself one of your teachers?

She really said that. And I had not told her anything about my crush. I had hinted it very slightly. I know my mum usually as someone rather conservative. More than once she said that she does not like the idea of big age differences between couples. Well, do  11 years countas that? I think in her eyes, they do. Still, she said that! I wonder if she is suspecting me of liking a teacher already or if she is just plain oblivious about it…

What is almost worse than my own doubts about my feelings is the need to talk about it. Just to tell someone. Okay, I wrote in an older entry that I am not good at keeping such things secret but you know how annoying it is to tell someone about your feelings and they just look at you and roll their eyes? Like: Oh no, not that again. This is not helping a bit! And it hurts. My flatmate I. sometimes makes small jokes about it. This mocking makes it easier for me to not be too serious about it. So this is okay but such advice like “One day, you’ll surely meet the right guy” is implying that “He is not the One. Stop dreaming!”

Today I got an e-mail from a very good friend who moved out of my dormitory last month. Since then we did not have a lot of contact except me visiting her twice. She asked me whether she could come over for tea some time and when I was free. She does not know about it yet and I am somewhat anxious to tell her. I guess she will be critical. I will tell her anyway because her reaction should not have an influence on me and she is a good friend.

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